Dating Single Parents
Dating a Single Parent
Single parents travel a rough road, trying to balance work, child care, housework, visitation schedules, caring for aging parents, and children’s activities. They seldom have a little time for themselves, never mind having a social life. Dating a single parent requires that you understand the struggles they are going through and realizing that if they can make time for you, you must be pretty special!
While there are single fathers as well as single mothers, the vast majority of single parents are women. We will approach this subject from the viewpoint of the man who is dating a single mother, although the same tips apply to dating single fathers as well.
You must realize that her children are the number one priority in her life. Raising emotionally healthy children is a full-time job that requires much patience and stamina. A single man who is possessive of her time, expecting the children to take the back seat to his desires, should not date a single mother. He should have the attitude that if this busy single mom is willing to make time to date him, it is a great honor, not to be taken lightly.
Be understanding of last-minute schedule changes due to work or illnesses, but never cancel a date yourself at the last minute unless it’s unavoidable. She has gone to the trouble of finding a sitter so her time is free for the date. Single mothers often have a tight budget, and if you offer to pay for the sitter you will certainly earn a feather in your cap!
Let the relationship build slowly. Don’t come on too fast, too soon. A man who is dating a mother who is single through divorce or separation may fear that the husband will step back in. Resist the impulse to ask about the father and her relationship with him. After a few dates, you may begin to understand the relationship she has with her ex and whether there is a possibility they will get back together. If this is an option you can’t deal with, it’s time to move on and date other women. Do ask about her children; their names, ages, interests, and other general questions to show that you understand they are an important part of her life. But do not expect to meet her children unless and until your relationship with their single mom gets very serious.
The children should not be involved in the relationship until it becomes exclusive. If you have children of your own, don’t introduce the two families until this time. It isn’t fair to the children for them to become attached to you or make friendships with your own children, only to have the relationship end suddenly when you find that you and their mother aren’t suited for each other. Let them decide whether to address you by your first name or a paternal nickname. Be their friend first and they may accept you as a father later. Dating a single parent is one challenge after another. Make sure you are up to the task.
Her children will be possessive and protective of their mother, and may resent your “interference” in their lives. The children of divorced or separated parents often hope their parents will reunite, and view you as an obstacle to that goal. They may still be grieving if their father has died, or feel that you are trying to take daddy’s place. Their mother should not allow her children to be openly disrespectful toward you, but you can’t force them to love you. That will come naturally in time when you treat the children and their mother well and they know you have their best interests at heart. Assure them that you only want to be friends with them and with their single mother, and leave any necessary discipline or emotion-laden conversations up to the mother.
Involve the kids in some family-oriented activities, such as a visit to the zoo, going to the movies, or a trip to their favorite restaurant. Show up to watch their ball games, if they want you to, and root for their team. Attend their recitals or other activities to let them know you support them in their endeavors.
When the exclusive relationship turns into a marriage, and you become a step-parent, there are more issues involved than just becoming a friend to the children. As a leader of the family unit, you deserve respect and have a right to expect obedience from the children. You now have authority as a parent, and just as in a marriage between two biological parents, you and the mother must form an alliance in the upbringing and discipline of the children.
It can take a few years, or even several, before you begin to feel like a true family. The relationships the children have had before, with their own father or previous stepfathers, may affect how quickly they bond with you. The ages of the children and how well you and their mother work as a team will influence how quickly your blended family becomes a close-knit unit.
Step-parenting is a difficult and often thankless task in the beginning, but the rewards are great if you are capable of accepting another man’s children as your own. Trust that the relationship will grow throughout the years. Difficult stepchildren may become your best friends as adults! Well there you have it. Are you ready to start dating a single parent? Dating a single mom can be very rewarding and gratifying to you both.
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